A giant leap in learning parenting

We had been to a picnic last week. It was a nature trail with different adventure activities for big kids and adults. My daughter wanted to do the rope way activity but we weren’t sure if she would be allowed given the age and height restrictions for the rope way. Once we were there we were told she had just the exact minimum height and that required an adult to accompany her. So I signed up with my daughter for the rope way activity.

The activity is spread over a wide area with metal cables and ropes connecting tree to tree. The cables were maybe about 15 to 20 feet above the ground, and once up, the only places where we could comfortably stand were the wooden planks which circled the strong tree branches. We had to put on a safety harness which ran from shoulder to waist. We had 2 safety belts one end of each tied to the harness and the other end had a special hook which we would latch to the metal cables as we moved along. We were given a demo and instructions and I was asked to follow my daughter so that I could help her if required. Once we were up, we were pretty much on our own unless we called for help.

We choose a path which was completely empty. Each section between the trees had different types of hanging planks and seem to require an increasing skill. We made through each of the section and finally came to a tree which had only 2 metal cables connecting to the next tree. The next tree was about 20 feet away. The 2 metal cables were one above the other with a gap of maybe 4 feet. Essentially it was a tight rope walk with our safety belts latched to the top metal cable. My daughter asked me if she can go and I told her to go ahead. I helped her latch the safety belts to the top metal cable and guided her to walk on the lower metal cable. She had to stretch and hold the top cable and started walking on the lower metal cable which was about 15-20 feet above the ground.

When she had walked for about 5 feet, I suddenly realized what I had put her to. She was actually walking on a cable which was maybe 20mm (2 cm) in diameter holding a similar cable over her head. The 2 safety belts were latched but they were not for supporting her. They would only hold her if God forbid she slipped. I almost froze thinking about it. My entire life flashed in front of me at that moment; the first time I held her in the hospital when she was born, the time I walked her to school,.… I was praying as I watched her every step on that cable. Once in a while she would ask me if she was doing alright and I had to gather courage to even sound normal and tell her she was doing great. A small crowd had gathered below watching her as she walked on the cable. She finally reached the other tree and I heaved a relief thanking God for ensuring she did not miss a step.

It has been almost 5 days but I am still not able to get past that day. The steps she took as she walked still flashes in front of my eyes. I have been asking one question to myself – How did my 7 year old walk on a cable 20 feet above the ground? She did not walk because she had done it earlier or because she knew how to do it.

The only possible answer I have is – She had walked because no one told her she could not do it.

As I think about this answer, maybe, if there is anything stopping our kids from achieving what they dream, its parents like me. How many times haven’t I stopped my kids from doing something just because I have not done it or someone had told me not to do it? I still sometimes feel it was foolishness of me, but if I had stopped her that day, maybe she would never have found courage to do what she did. Kids stop not because they cannot do something but because someone tells them they cannot do it.

This has been probably the biggest parenting lesson I have learnt.

PS – I followed my daughter and walked on that cable holding the top cable, exactly how my daughter had done. I know I had not walked on that cable for the thrill of it. I had walked on that cable only because all I wanted to do at that moment was to hold my daughter.  

~Narendra V Joshi

Mirror of deeds

My daughter celebrated her birthday last week. Her birthday was something she had been eagerly waiting for. More than the cake and the gifts, she was excited to tell everyone her new age J. She used to add up her age even before she actually celebrated her birthday. I used to be like her when I was a kid, waiting for birthdays to tell my new age. But at some point, the interest in looking forward for my birthday to celebrate a new age diminished.

The world is new and there is so much to be see.

To experience and grow what they choose to be.

Yet of all, growing up fast seems their only wish,

Bumping up their age like some race to finish.

When in the middle age you feel you are growing fast,

The world is the same and you should slow down to last.

Lowering the age might help only a bit,

But growing with the age takes a long grit.

Old age I am told is a different ball game.

When you know life is not just name and fame.

And age is a number to your destiny it leads,

For life is a mirror of your own deeds.

~Narendra V Joshi

Learning management through skating

I enrolled my kid into a skating class last month and she has so far been having a good time learning to skate. After watching her enjoy the skating I finally braved myself to enroll into the classes. For me, it has so far mostly been a painful process but with a lot of learning and unlearning. For the unlearning part, skating is not as easy as the movies show. Every fall is painful…believe me. As for the learning part, other than the skating itself, I found an unexpected learning subject through the skating lessons – Management.

Here are my 5 skating lessons (and my management learning's through them) -

1)      Lesson 1 - Everything is not about health (or Money) – The first question my friends asked me was if skating is a good exercise and if it will help them lose weight. I had no clue. So I told my friends to think skating as entertainment rather than as exercise. If watching TV or even sleeping can burn calories, maybe skating burns calories too. Like in Management, money should not be the only expectation. Learning, and the satisfaction of building something is also equally important.

2)      Lesson 2 - Skating (and Management) is all about flair, and grace – Both Skating and Management start with struggle. Struggle to be brave, to learn, to keep inline. But once you move up, it’s all about achieving the balance and maintaining the balance as you move ahead. It’s how gracefully you skate (or Manage) and go along with others.

3)      Lesson 3 - Know who does what in the system – In skating, the head thinks (see, processes…) while the upper body helps a bit in turning but mostly sweats. It’s the hip which guides and controls and takes the hit when you fall, while the legs do the skating.

In Management too, the head thinks (sees, talks, plans….) while the upper management mostly talks and sweats for nothing. It’s the middle management which does all the steering and balancing taking blame as well, while the worker takes direction. Remember, the salary structure follows a descending pattern from the head down. Look closely and you will notice the sour spot (or sweet spot; depending on how you look at it) - Upper management - High salary, all talk and sweat for nothing. Know those sour/sweet traps as you choose your career.

4)      Lesson 4 - Watch and learn but don’t get overexcited – The most important part of skating, in my opinion, is to watch and learn. Watching others skate teaches you a lot of tricks because not everything is in the books. But look out for the trap. Skating looks easy when you see those kids skate. It’s the same in management too. Don’t get excited when you see people reach plum posts or when your friends race ahead. Remember, everyone has a different skill. Believe in your skills. You work on your plan at your pace.

5)     Lesson 5 - If you fall, fall with grace. But it’s important to remember, not all fall is because of you – An important lesson in skating is how to stop or slow down and how to fall. If you cannot avoid a fall, you are asked to bend your knees and fall back on your hips (butt) with hands up. Avoid falling on knees or landing on your hands. In simple words; fall with grace! Management too is similar. Use your head wisely and balance delicately to avoid a fall. But if you cannot avoid a fall, fall with grace; and try to be up and running quickly.

The most important of the fall lessons I learnt, is that not all fall is because of you. In one of the class, I fell 3 times at the same spot for the same reason. The first two times, I felt it’s because of my lack of skill. But when I fell the 3^rd time (I hurt myself really bad) the coach asked me to step out of the ring to check my skate. Seems the wheels on my right leg were tight compared to my left leg. So this made my left skate go faster than my right skate leading me to the fall. In management too, even if you are doing fine, you might fall because of market forces or external changes. So don’t always blame yourself. Learn to fall with grace and get back on feet quickly.

 

~Narendra V Joshi

 

Destiny

It was said to have come from the hand of the God;
On every single forehead which has walked this earth broad.
Meant to be resolute and the eternal truth;
For the forehead it foretold its life’s journey and youth.

I scrolled through my forehead to learn what it told.
And ploughed my brain through its every delicate fold.
Through my palm and through every vein in my heart;
There was nothing I could find which mirrored my life’s chart.

At first it looked like an omission by God.
But a scrutiny of my life-chart squared out that odd.
Every event in my life were only a reflection of my deeds
And nowhere was a sign of any predestined leads.


~Narendra V Joshi

Knowing the practical side of honesty

We had been to a friend’s place the other day. My friend and I stood outside his house talking. A neighbor of my friend who also happens to be our common friend saw us and joined. We 3 stood outside and spoke for some time until I got ready to leave. I bid them both goodbye when this common friend said “I am sorry, I could not call you into our house. Our house is dirty. But let’s definitely meet sometime”. I was not expecting him to invite me and did not know how to react. The way his facial expression changed when he said “our house is dirty” was enough for me to believe his every word. I looked at my friend and he too made an expression which told me this common friend was telling the truth. 

Two parallel thoughts raced through my mind at that moment.  

My first thought was a kind of appreciation for this common friend for his honesty. He could have been quiet, or, if he really wanted to say something, he could have given some other reason. But not this guy. Here was an honest person who had put out the real situation. He did not want to call me because his house was dirty. I had a deep sense of appreciation for his good thoughts and his honesty.  

The other thought in my mind was a little different. Though I had believed what he said, I was almost forcing my mind to think that he wanted to purposely avoid me and it had nothing to do with his house. I had a line of questions in my mind, which were forcing me to think otherwise. If his house was really dirty as he had said, how was he even living in that dirty house?  

With everything going on in my mind, I didn’t say anything but just bid goodbye to them and started back home. The incident however kept playing at the back of my mind for several hours. I had a kind of appreciation for his honesty. At the same time I was appalled at how he and his family lived in a dirty place. Topping all this was the affirming expression my friend had, which told me this was a more common scenario in this common friends place.  

But again, what could I do? If there is someone who has to think, it is that common friend who should think and act. Or maybe my friend, his neighbor, should advice this common friend.  

After a lot of thinking, I felt I had an advice, from my own experience, for this common friend. Honesty is a good policy. But knowing when to open your honest mouth and when to keep it shut is the best policy.

 

~Narendra V Joshi

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

It’s again that time of the year, when…

It’s again that time of the year;

When the trees look barren and the greenery and the flowers disappear.
 

It’s again that time of the year;

When icy cold winds and blanket of snow appear.

It’s again that time of the year;

When people look to relax and unwind with their families in-tier.

It’s again that time of the year;

When the festive lights glow and the mood shits to the shopping cheer.

It’s again that time of the year;

When kids look for gifts from Santa on his reindeer.

It’s again that time of the year;

When doom Sayers predict, end of the earth is mid next year.

It’s again that time of the year;

When many party all night and start with a hangover on the New Year.

It’s again that time of the year;

When some take up gym membership and plan work schedules to adhere.

 

Having spent more than a decade in the IT industry, these are some of my common (and repeating ones) observations from the IT industry.

 

It’s again that time of the year;

When employees rush to use their vacation days before they disappear.

It’s again that time of the year;

When employees are asked to review everything that went wrong in that past year.

It’s again that time of the year;

When employees are asked to hope for a positive next year.

 

This, in my opinion, is the most notorious one in my IT experience (really hate this).

It’s again that time of the year;

When recycled emails and retouched season’s greetings appear.


~Narendra V Joshi