Knowing the practical side of honesty

We had been to a friend’s place the other day. My friend and I stood outside his house talking. A neighbor of my friend who also happens to be our common friend saw us and joined. We 3 stood outside and spoke for some time until I got ready to leave. I bid them both goodbye when this common friend said “I am sorry, I could not call you into our house. Our house is dirty. But let’s definitely meet sometime”. I was not expecting him to invite me and did not know how to react. The way his facial expression changed when he said “our house is dirty” was enough for me to believe his every word. I looked at my friend and he too made an expression which told me this common friend was telling the truth. 

Two parallel thoughts raced through my mind at that moment.  

My first thought was a kind of appreciation for this common friend for his honesty. He could have been quiet, or, if he really wanted to say something, he could have given some other reason. But not this guy. Here was an honest person who had put out the real situation. He did not want to call me because his house was dirty. I had a deep sense of appreciation for his good thoughts and his honesty.  

The other thought in my mind was a little different. Though I had believed what he said, I was almost forcing my mind to think that he wanted to purposely avoid me and it had nothing to do with his house. I had a line of questions in my mind, which were forcing me to think otherwise. If his house was really dirty as he had said, how was he even living in that dirty house?  

With everything going on in my mind, I didn’t say anything but just bid goodbye to them and started back home. The incident however kept playing at the back of my mind for several hours. I had a kind of appreciation for his honesty. At the same time I was appalled at how he and his family lived in a dirty place. Topping all this was the affirming expression my friend had, which told me this was a more common scenario in this common friends place.  

But again, what could I do? If there is someone who has to think, it is that common friend who should think and act. Or maybe my friend, his neighbor, should advice this common friend.  

After a lot of thinking, I felt I had an advice, from my own experience, for this common friend. Honesty is a good policy. But knowing when to open your honest mouth and when to keep it shut is the best policy.

 

~Narendra V Joshi

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

It’s again that time of the year, when…

It’s again that time of the year;

When the trees look barren and the greenery and the flowers disappear.
 

It’s again that time of the year;

When icy cold winds and blanket of snow appear.

It’s again that time of the year;

When people look to relax and unwind with their families in-tier.

It’s again that time of the year;

When the festive lights glow and the mood shits to the shopping cheer.

It’s again that time of the year;

When kids look for gifts from Santa on his reindeer.

It’s again that time of the year;

When doom Sayers predict, end of the earth is mid next year.

It’s again that time of the year;

When many party all night and start with a hangover on the New Year.

It’s again that time of the year;

When some take up gym membership and plan work schedules to adhere.

 

Having spent more than a decade in the IT industry, these are some of my common (and repeating ones) observations from the IT industry.

 

It’s again that time of the year;

When employees rush to use their vacation days before they disappear.

It’s again that time of the year;

When employees are asked to review everything that went wrong in that past year.

It’s again that time of the year;

When employees are asked to hope for a positive next year.

 

This, in my opinion, is the most notorious one in my IT experience (really hate this).

It’s again that time of the year;

When recycled emails and retouched season’s greetings appear.


~Narendra V Joshi

Entertaining the kids

I was talking to a friend last week. It was just after the thanks giving holidays. We spoke about how we spent the holidays, the thanksgiving shopping, family time etc. Of all the things he said, one really struck my mind. When speaking about how he and his family spent the holidays, he ended a sentence with “……we were home for the rest of the day, entertaining our kids”.  I had not asked him what he meant by “entertaining kids”, but that sentence had been at the back of my mind since then. I thought about this several times though not really focusing on it. My thoughts had been mostly on the lines of - What does entertaining kids mean? How do we really entertain kids? How do I know if the kids were entertained? Etc.

I was at the bus stop with my daughter this morning. My daughter was telling me about a game she learnt at school and wanted me to play with her as we waited for the bus. She explained me the rules the first time but I did not understand. She explained the rules the second time but I still could not catch it all. Before starting to explain the third time she said, “oh papa, you should come to my school and see my friends and I play this game”.  THAT WAS IT! That sentence of Akshara struck the right cord in my head. It filled the missing piece of the thought I had at the back of my mind since last week – “entertaining kids”.

The school bus arrived in the meanwhile and I bid goodbye to Akshara and started towards my house. My mind raced to process the new found data; the missing link of my puzzle. Akshara’s comment had provided that missing link.

How do you entertain the kids? Be a kid.

Wasn’t it obvious? Every parent knows that cartoons, video games, TV… can keep the kids occupied only for some time. Once the show ends, the real show begins, for the parents. The parents now need to find something else to keep the kids occupied. Instead of the TV, take the kids to a playground where there are other kids playing. That will be a whole different show. That show never stops.  Parents have to literally beg the kids to stop playing and come back home. Because the entertainment there is not cartoons or video games; it’s the kids. Kids are the kid’s best entertainers. If you really want to entertain the kids, be a kid. Keep the logic out and play the games they play. Play as a kid.

‘Entertaining kids’; it’s not easy. This is the toughest part of parenting. As a parent, I have experienced this first hand for a long time. But until today, I had never thought of this so much. With what I put together in my head today, this sentence means much more to me now. ‘Entertaining kids’ has found a special respect in my heart.

 

~Narendra V Joshi

Transition Season

I am amazed at the changing seasons and the charm each season brings. I especially like the overlapping time when the seasons transition. Each overlap seems unique and brings the best of both the seasons. The last few days have been one such cool colorful transition which I have always liked.

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The colorful trees signal the new season has come

The crisp cool air sing the autumn hum.

The leaves look set, all ready to fall;

Looking to embrace the winters call.

The summer now seems like a long forgotten dream;

In the back drop of memory like a painters theme.

Gone are those days of the beach and the sand;

Of the cool lake dips and the lush green land.

It will soon be winter which will bring its own charm;

The sun will shine, yet with the moonlight warm.

The snow and the ice will ride the season’s wing;

Until the melting snowman stands to welcome the spring.

~Narendra V Joshi

Because mommy knows all

I had just got home from work when my daughter Akshara came to me with a question. With Akshara, if she goes straight to the question, it usually is, “Can I watch TV?”,  “Can I have a packet of chips?”…something straight forward. But if she does a lot of explaining before she gets to her question, it means she has something complicated. Fortunately for me, she seldom brings those complicated questions my way. They are mostly taken to my wife.

Her question this time was –

Akshara - Papa, my name has your name ‘Narendra’ in it. Why is it papa?

Me – Because, papa loves Akshara. That’s why (Wow.. beautiful answer isn’t it J)

Akshara – ok. Mommy’s and Anishs’ name also has your name. So you love them too.

Me – Yes, that is correct. I love you all!

Akshara – But we too love you papa.

Me – I know (With a big smile. But deep inside I knew she was going somewhere with this question. And worst, my wife was nowhere to be seen.)

Akshara – Then why don’t you have our names in your name?

Why don’t I have my wife and kids name in my name? I had never thought about that.

Why should a wife take husbands name or husbands family name? Why should the kids take the fathers’ name and not the mothers’ name? I thought of explaining to her that the normal convention is to have father’s name or husband’s name as the middle name. But this does not really answer her question.

I hoped my wife would come and I can deflect the question to her but she was nowhere in sight. I stood there thinking, as Akshara waited for me to say something. But there was nothing I could say. Someone had come up with this naming convention and I was blindly following it.

My mind drifted as I thought of an answer for her question. Why do they drive on the left side of the road in India and right side of the road in America? Why should the traffic light always be Red, Yellow and Green? What is the logic behind all these conventions?

I was still thinking when Akshara asked “Did mommy suggest my name?”

Me – Yes (with a big relief. I was almost shoutingJ )

Me - Mommy suggested your name (I had not lied. My wife had picked the name Akshara. I was just not getting into the specifics of middle name and last nameJ)

Akshara – oh, so mommy named me Akshara. (She sounded like she got the answer she was looking for)

Me – Yes, mommy named you Akshara.

Akshara stood there for a few more moments.

Akshara – Why do you have your papa’s name in your name? (She asked this slowly. So I don’t think she actually had this question in her mind).

Now that was an easy one. All I had to do was to bring my mommy into the discussion :)

Me – Maybe because my mommy suggested my name. You should ask that question to Ajji (Ajji means grandmother in Marathi).

Akshara – Ok papa (and she ran off to her room).

It did not feel good watching her run back to her room. I had not given her the right answer and I had only dodged the question. But in doing so, I had learnt a valuable lesson. Next time, if I don’t know the answer to her question, I should simply refer her to her mommy. This is not just because mommy’s always have answers to all the kids’ questions but also because the kids know that Mommy knows all!

 ~Narendra V Joshi

Filling the empty space

I was walking to my car in the parking lot the other evening, when a person came running to me. He pointed his finger in one direction of the parking lot and spoke something in Spanish of which I only understood the first word Senor. He was almost gasping for breath as he spoke. I tried to tell him I do not understand Spanish but he just would not stop. He kept talking non-stop pointing and looking in one direction. I think he was not finding his car or had lost his car, or maybe he was in an emergency and wanted a ride somewhere. For a moment I thought something had happened to my car, but then my car was in a different part of the parking lot from where he was pointing to. Anyway none of his talking made sense to me. After nearly a full one or two minutes of talking, he finally stopped talking and looked at me for an answer. Unfortunately all I could say was I do not speak Spanish and did not understand anything.

He muttered something giving me a stern look and walked away. I know I couldn’t help him, but again what else could I have done in that situation? I would have told him the very first moment that I do not understand Spanish if he had given me one chance, but he kept talking non-stop. I felt sorry for whatever situation he was in and hoped he would take our conversation as a learning experience to first ask the next person he meets, if he/she spoke Spanish before explaining his problem.

The whole incident kept playing in my mind even after I was on the road. If only he had stopped to take a breath and listened to me, the entire situation would have rolled out different. I felt maybe I should have gone back to him and asked him if he was in an emergency or at least try to understand what he was into. I was deep in my thoughts when I had this sudden brain wave. Maybe this situation was a learning experience for me too; an eye opener. Inadvertently even I may be doing the same when I am in a hurry. I talk so much, maybe non-stop, that I do not give the other person an opportunity to talk. It reminded me of a professor from my college days who would take every question slowly as if he is trying to chew on them, and would give a thoughtful answer. Maybe he was not interested to prove anything and so he did not have to be quick with his response. But as I think of it, the empty space he left between our question and his answer was adding a unique value.

As I thought about all this, I felt it was time I too cultivate this habit in me, if I don’t have it already. Maybe not just me but a lot of other people too. There is a need to focus on stopping the urge to talk, the urge to fill that empty space. We need to learn to live with that momentary empty space.

But, the empty space cannot be empty for a long time. It has to be filled soon.

Again, the empty space should not be there always. Sometimes, with some people, the empty space might actually become a time waste.

After all this confusion, I came to a conclusion. The empty space is others problem, not mine to resolve. I am good the way I am, unless somebody tells me otherwise :).

~Narendra V Joshi