Parenting under surveillance

I was teaching math addition to my 4 year old the other day. I gave him 2 cookies and asked –

Me – "I had given you 1 cookie yesterday and I gave you 2 cookies today. How many cookies do you have?"

My son – 2 cookies.

Then I tried the same using pencils. I gave him 1 pencil and then gave 2 more. He counted 3. I tried it with crayons and he counted 3. Then I got back to my question on cookies.

Me – I gave you 1 cookie yesterday and 2 today. How many do you have?

My son – 2 cookies.

I put up 3 fingers saying each finger is a cookie and asked him to count. He counted 3 and said “But I have only 2 cookies papa”. I asked him how. He said – “I already eat the cookie you gave me yesterday”. He paused for a few mins and added “remember you said think”.

I was trying to teach him math and he thought me logic.

I was speechless but have now learnt to expect such answers from my kids. They sometimes amaze me into thinking how do they even come up with some of the answers they give or some of the questions they ask.

I had to drop my daughter for a class this morning and my son too accompanied us in the car. While coming back home, my son sat in the rear car seat diagonally opposite to me. He had got his steering wheel toy with him which is a steering wheel and a gear shift that makes different sounds when moved. My son was watching me drive and was steering his toy wheel in the same way as I was doing. He said “papa, I want to drive a car like you when I grow up”. I was almost about to tell him that maybe there will be no cars with a steering wheel by the time he grows up, but stopped myself.

It then occurred to me. Maybe my kids are not learning much by listening to me. Maybe my kids are learning more by watching me; Or rather by observing me. As I thought about this I realized they have been giving me subtle hints all these years but I never realized this until now. Every time they said “I want to be like you when I grow up”, “I want to work on computer like papa”, “I want to drive a car like papa”, … this is what they were doing. They have been observing me and learning from me. I am their role model.

The very thought that my kids may be feeding off of my actions and inculcating them makes me shudder. This is like I am under constant observation; a whole new kind of surveillance. A surveillance where my kids are silently watching me, making sense of my actions and absorbing it to tune their life. It brings in a whole new sense of responsibility in me. I need to ensure I am always putting the best of me in front of my kids.

As I think about this more, I feel maybe this is not bad after all. They may be helping me in way. If I go through this surveillance putting out the best of me now, I don’t have to do a surveillance on my kids when they come of age. I can be assured that what my kids will do is what I would have done in the same situation.

~Narendra V Joshi

A constricted mind

My son came back home from his preschool the other day and asked me “Papa, what do you want to be when you grow up?” I was almost about to say something but stopped. I sat back and repeated his question to myself – What do I want to be when I grow up? This was the first time in over 20 years someone had asked me this question. I did not want to just say anything. I really wanted to think and answer his question.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? I remember when I was a kid I wanted to join the navy. I have always liked sitting at the beach and listen to the sound of the waves. As a kid the very thought that if I was in Navy, I can be on a ship sailing on the seas excited me. But can I join the navy when I grow up, I questioned myself. Maybe the navy will have age, height, weight etc restrictions. Maybe Navy may not be a choice for me anymore. Can I become a musician? I like music. I have interest in learning to play musical instruments. But playing musical instruments requires lot of practice. I will be a failure if I choose the path of a musician. Maybe I can be a doctor. I can travel to remote areas and help people. I can be of some use to the people around me. But doctors have to study a lot. I have to get back to school and learn for the next several years before I can become a doctor. This might not be something for me.

I was thinking about what I can become when I grow up for several moments. I thought of every dream I had as I grew and scratched everything off for different reasons. Doctor, chartered accountant, musician, pilot, I had reasons why I cannot grow up to be anyone from any of those dreams.

My son shook me slightly and asked again – “Papa, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

There has to be something I can be when I grow up. I gave a deep thought and finally said “Teacher, I want to be a teacher when I grow up”, which brought a big smile on my sons face. I was happy there was something I can be when I grow up.

My son turned to leave and I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. He answered my question almost immediately. He said he wanted to be a doctor when he is as big as his sister, build roller coasters when he is as big as his cousin brother, a firefighter when he is as big as his mother, work on computer when he is as big as me, a dentist when is as big as his grandmother and a superhero with a large cape when is as big as his grandfather.

His answer dumbfounded me. What did just happen? My preschool son has so much clarity and ideas on what he wants to be when he grows up. While all my education and my degrees had only helped me to come up with reasons why I cannot become something when I grow up. Is this what education is supposed to do? The human mind is boundless and of immense possibilities. Education is supposed to be the tool which gives sense and broadens those possibilities. Unfortunately I was using my education to only bind my mind and constrict its possibilities.

I sat back to think. I decided I have to reconsider what I wanted to be when I grow up. But before that, maybe first I should empty my mind and get it back to its original state of immense possibilities. Then I should think what I want to be when I grow up. 

~Narendra V Joshi

Searching for peace at the top of the pyramid

We had been to a zoo the other day. We had reached there early as the zoo is big and takes a full day for family with kids to go around completely. The place was crowed but the kids were excited looking at the animals as we went around the zoo. It was close to the feeding time for the apes by the time we reached the part which has enclosures for chimps, gorillas, monkeys etc. There are benches to sit and watch as the animals are fed by the zoo keepers. I sat down to watch on one of the bench. It was like a few minutes when the gentleman next to me started a conversation. We spoke about how the animals behave when they see the food, how they eat, how the keepers handle them. One part of our conversation went like this -

Gentleman – It seems as if these animals know the time when to expect the food. Look at how they react when they see the keepers. You see those chimps there? Looks like they are now full.

Me – Some of them already seem to be sleeping.

Gentleman – yeah. It’s nice to see all these animals at the zoo; especially once they are fed. Once they are full they relax and laze. It feels so calm and peaceful to see them.

Me – True. It feels so peaceful here.

We spoke for some time but this part of the conversation did not leave me. I kept thinking about it even long after we had left that area. Something was bothering me. The question then occurred to me - “What is wrong with me?”.

We humans are supposed to be the most intelligent species on earth and represent the pinnacle of evolution. But when it comes to be being peaceful, none of this intelligence helps and we have to look at a bunch of monkeys to relax and be at peace? Maybe these monkeys know something that we intelligent humans don’t. Agreed, these animals are in cages and unfortunately have to spend a restricted life. But they get food on time without any effort and they seem to be at peace with this arrangement. And more so what is it that we humans are achieving been outside the cage? We worry about something or the other all the time - taxes, mortgages, children’s education, traffic, you name it. We also worry about things that have not even happened – stock market predictions, retirement money, health insurance for illness we don’t have.

The fundamental truth of our worries is that none of our worries are about alien invasion from outer space or a comet on a collision path with earth or such things as they show in movies. All of our worries have everything to do with the thoughts and actions of other humans. So all through our lives we worry about things that are based on actions and reactions of fellow humans.

Looks like somewhere during our evolution from apes, we exchanged peace for intelligence. Then we used our intelligence to cage monkeys and donkeys and feed them so that they don’t have to worry about food. Now we are using the same intelligence to achieve calm and peace by looking at those monkeys and donkeys as they laze around on full stomach.

I am still wondering; who is more intelligent - The ones inside the cage or the ones outside? 

~Narendra V Joshi

The inevitable changes in the journey of life

I was on this flight to back home the other day, deeply engrossed in the in-flight entertainment TV show when my co-passenger tapped on my TV screen. I pushed back my headphone to look at him and he pointed me to the flight attendant. The flight attendant was trying to get my attention to check if I wanted food. I took the food, politely apologized to both the attendant and the co-passenger, stopped the TV and settled down to eat. “You like that show?” my co-passenger asked me with a slight questionable smile. I nodded my head but did not understand why he was smiling. “Your kids traveling with you?” he asked again, and I said no. We did not speak after that but I was surprised how he knew I had kids. It then occurred to me. The moment the in-flight entertainment had started, I had gone to the kids section, searched for a cartoon and had settled down for a princess cartoon which my daughter watches. The funny part was that my kids were not even with me on that flight J. 

I got down at the airport, and my connecting flight was after an hour. I sat in the waiting area still thinking about that incident on the flight. I think every event in life brings about a change in us, however subtle. We change after high school, after college, after marriage, after kids, when we start a job; and it goes on. Probably the biggest change is after marriage and after kids. When you have kids you know what your kids want and adjust your life to suit the kids. Your vacation list now has only kid approved places and the vacation days are only around the kids’ school holidays. You no more go to a movie or watch a TV show which is not appropriate for the kids. Maybe that co-passenger had kids and that is how he knew I had kids.

Outside of these big changes I think we also go through temporary transformations every day as we step into work. In my case I think I become a little more patient, little more attentive, little more careful, the moment I step into office. It’s not just the different work wear, the funny part is even our language changes. We are no more just at work or in meetings. We are now in “stand up” meetings, preparing “decks”, working for weekend ‘deliverables” and focusing on “production installs” J 

I glanced at my watch and still had over 30 mins for my next flight. I walked to a coffee shop to get coffee. I took the coffee and went to get sugar and cream. I was at the sugar and cream table when another gentlemen came and stood next to me. He too had coffee in his hand and had come to get sugar and cream. I usually take about 5 to 6 sachets of sugar for 12oz of coffee. I would take sachet after sachet never thinking twice while I was in college, but getting into work has changed it all. I had to put through surprise stairs and questions from people in office for consuming so much sugar. I am now a little more discreet while adding those extra sugar sachets trying not to attract too much attention. So I took 2 sachets and stirred my coffee waiting for the gentleman to leave. The guy too took 2 sachets and kept stirring his coffee. It was more than like a few seconds but the guy did not move. After probably a minute of stirring the coffee I gave up and decided to go for 4 more sachets and ignore if the guy comments. To my utter surprise, the guy too took 4-5 more sachets of sugar and looked at me. We both realized we were waiting for each other to move, to add more sugar. We greeted each other and he told me how he too gets strange looks from people when he adds those extra sachets of sugar. We bid goodbye to each other and I walked back to my flight gate with an added sense of assurance. 

So it’s not just me. Everyone who goes through the regular life events also goes through some inevitable changes. One change might be to accommodate something new while another change might be to accommodate something different. Bottom line, I think it’s these changes that defines where we stand in this journey of life.

~Narendra V Joshi

The Ghost Alarm

The arrival of spring signals the arrival of pollen. To me, it means allergies. I am allergic to tree pollen and avoid going out during pollen heavy days. This past weekend was nice and sunny, and we thought of taking the kids out to play in the park.  However with the air heavy on pollen I had to stay back while my wife and kids went out. With the kids out I sat down to watch a science fiction horror movie. Over the course of the weekend, I ended up watching 3 horror movies, 2 of which were recommendation based on my previous watch item.

My allergies were acting up by the time I reached home from office yesterday (Monday). I took an allergy medication before going to bed, which as a side effect causes marked drowsiness. The medication helped me breathe easy and I was asleep soon.

I was woken by the sound of an alarm this morning. The sound was not defying to get me out of the bed, but was enough to wake me up. I looked around and it was still dark. There was heaviness in my head due to the allergy medication but that did not bother me as much as the alarm did. The alarm bothered me because there is no clock in our home which makes that particular sound. So where was this sound coming from? I looked around in the dark but could not make out anything. The alarm suddenly stopped sounding. I thought maybe it from our neighbors’ house and went back to sleep. I was woken up again with that same alarm sound and this time too it was still dark and no sign of where that sound was coming from. I thought I was dreaming and rubbed my eyes but I could feel my hands and face. So I was definitely not dreaming. The alarm sound stopped again and I quickly pulled the blanket over my head and tried to sleep. It was complete silence but I could not sleep this time. That alarm sound however faint it was, felt sinister.

I was trying to put my thoughts to rest when that alarm started again. I sat up on the bed and looked around. It was dark and nothing was moving. There was suddenly a sound of someone running which came from the living room, but I recognized that sound. It is from the dog which stays in the house above us. But what if that sound was not of that dog but actually came from within our house? I thought of getting out of the bed when the alarm stopped again. I wondered what to do next when I noticed a faint white light at the other end of the room. Just like that alarm, the light went on and off maybe 2-3 times. Was this some kind of a game? What was happening? At some point both the alarm and the light stopped; and the whole room was quiet and dark again. I quickly went back to bed and pulled the blanket over my head. All this was new and had never happened to me. In a moment every scary scene from each of those horror movies played through my mind.  Was my blanket getting pulled? Am I hanging in the air as they show in the movies? Was that a ghost standing at the corner? I tried to tell myself I don’t believe in ghosts and all this was just a bad dream. I had started to calm my mind when I suddenly heard a sound and felt like someone was standing right next to me and I could feel his breathing. It sent shivers down my spine. I lay still on the bed with the blanket over my head. The scariest scenes from the horror movie were now replaying in my head.

This is not me; I told myself. I don’t believe in ghosts and a horror movie cannot scare me. I pulled the blanket off and stared in the dark. There was no one next to me. I could almost hear my heart beating. I am better than this; I told myself. I got off the bed. The air from the AC duct hit my head; a sign of relief. Suddenly I saw the same white light at the corner. I went to check and it was my cell phone. I had put my cell phone on silent mode and face down when I slept and it glowed every time there was a message. I put the phone face down again and went into the living room. There was no one there. I switched on the light and looked at the front door and the porch door. Everything seemed fine. I was about to switch off the light when that alarm sounded again. It was loud and seemed to come from the play room. My kids use the play room to play but sleep in their own room. So no one should be in the play room yet there was a sound. The door of the playroom was closed. I slowly opened the playroom door and switched on the light. There were toys scattered but no one in the room. The alarm sounded louder and closer now. I looked in the direction of the alarm and there was a bag.

It suddenly occurred to me what might be making that sound. My wife had brought a watch as a gift for someone; maybe it was that watch alarm sounding off. I tore the wrapping paper and pulled that watch out. The watch had different alarm modes and it was indeed set to go off at 2:48 AM on Tuesday, with a 10 sec snooze mode. So this was the problem. Today being Tuesday the alarm went off at 2:48 AM and it snoozed every 10 seconds. I fiddled with the watch for some time but was unable to switch off the alarm. The only option left was to go through the user manual. I patiently went through the user manual and finally at around 3 AM this morning I was able to switch off the watch alarm putting an end to that ghostly sound.

~Narendra V Joshi

The humbling experience

I recently attended a meeting of a small group of technology and domain experts. The meeting was to focus on a problem statement and dissect it under different technology and domain lenses. Each person was from a different field and bought a unique expertise to the table. It was evident they had spent years in their focus area assimilating and growing their knowledge. Very quickly I had realized ‘expert’ was too modest a noun to describe them. The meeting which had started as an amazing experience had soon turned into a humbling experience for me.

I have been thinking about that experience for the last few days and seem to have found a correlation between that meeting and Expert systems/Artificial intelligence-Machine learning (AL-ML) system. That meeting to me resembled an expert system building pattern where experts pour their knowledge and experience to solve a complex problem.

As I thought more, my mind started drawing random parallels between that meeting and expert systems and generally wandered into the direction of the expert systems. Every expert system (or an AI-ML system) when introduced, first sparks a sense of bewilderment. It is approached with a set of presumptions and questions, bordering disdain. As the expert system proves and grows with promise, the disdain soon turns into an admiration for the expert system. The user starts appreciating the system and its potential. Often the admiration might even give way to distrust. A distrust might arise from a question of job security or individual well being or even from a question of ultimate survival. Take the example of Self-driving cars; they were initially struck down as a work of fiction. But as the self-driving promise held ground, it turned into an admiration. Distrust too found way in the hearts of the car enthusiasts who hated the very thought of sitting in the back seat and not at the wheel.  Isn’t it a similar pattern for most AI-ML systems, maybe with only slight variations? But one stand out feature among all these systems is the sense of humbleness that they evolve. Once you accept and understand the power of expert systems, they undeniably lead to a sense of humbleness. The user is humbled at the sheer talent of these systems.

As my mind searched for parallels, some things started falling out - the non-parallels. The non-parallels in terms of human emotions, or spontaneous thoughts, or even simple non-verbal expressions. Are there parallels to these? Even two humans can rarely experience the same levels of emotion. Any level of admiration, distrust or even humbleness that the AI-ML systems evoke, cannot replace these simple non-parallels. It is these subtle non-parallels that defines us as humans, and separates us humans from the AI-ML systems.  Maybe at some point in the future when the AI-ML systems have significantly evolved, they too might hit a point of humbleness. The humbleness that might arise in them from the fact that non-parallels exit between them and the humans.

~Narendra V Joshi

The White Blanket

We had record snow of almost 8 to 10 inches in our city this week. It snowed nearly the entire day covering the streets, lawns and trees like a thick white carpet. It was a beautiful sight, to see everything white and glowing. But that sight was short lived. The walk ways were quickly cleared and people thronged the lawns to play in the snow. The beautiful snow carpet was trampled and almost destroyed. The temperature increased today and all snow melted. I am now waiting for the next snow.

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The lawns and streets looked carpeted white;

With snow stuffed trees on the sides glowing bright.

The snow had covered every inch of the land;

Eclipsing the earth at the stroke of its wand.

The men soon arrived with shovels and salt;

To clear the snow and bring its spread to a halt.

Children and families swooped to capture the enthralling sight;

Trampling the snow which was laid picture perfect right.

The earth showed again as the day grew old;

Bursting with colors as the snow started to unfold.

Despite all colors the earth missed its glow.

Waiting to be painted with a fresh coat of snow.

~Narendra V Joshi